“I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here.”
     — Stephen Bishop

“A graceful taunt is worth a thousand insults.”
     — Louis Nizer

“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.”
     — Winston Churchill

“A modest little person, with much to be modest about.”
     — Winston Churchill

“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.”
     — Clarence Darrow

“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.”
     — William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

“Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?”
     — Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.”
     — Moses Hadas

“His ears made him look like a taxicab with both doors open.”
     — Howard Hughes (about Clark Gable)

“He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.”
     — Samuel Johnson

“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.”
     — Paul Keating

“He had delusions of adequacy.”
     — Walter Kerr

“There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure.”
     — Jack E. Leonard

“He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.”
     — Abraham Lincoln

“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.”
     — Groucho Marx

“He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.”
     — Robert Redford

“They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.”
     — Thomas Brackett Reed

“He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them.”
     — James Reston (about Richard Nixon)

“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.”
     — Charles, Count Talleyrand

“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?”
     — Mark Twain

“A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.”
     — Mark Twain

“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
     — Mark Twain

“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.”
     — Mae West

“She is a peacock in everything but beauty.”
     — Oscar Wilde

“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.”
     — Oscar Wilde

“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.”
     — Billy Wilder

“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination.”
     — Andrew Lang (1844-1912) /...next joke