July
18, 1961
Cleve
Ennis
Star Route 3
Tulia, Texas
United
States Department of Agriculture
Washington, DC
RE:
The USDA Soil Bank Program
Dear Mr.
Secretary of Agriculture:
My friends,
Darryl and Janice Slocum over toward Dimmitt way done be receiving a
$1,000 government check the other day for not raising hogs. I's done
be a mite short on spending money these days so's I's wants to do some
of that 'not-raising-hogs' business myself next year.
First
of all, what I's needs to know from you is what - in your opinion sir
- is:
(1) The
best type of farm to not raise hogs on and
(2) The best breed of hogs to not raise.
(I's wants
to be sure that I's approach this here endeavor in keeping with all
the pertinent government policies, rules and regulations.)
I would
prefer not to raise them dang-fool Razor hogs, but if'n that not be
a good breed to not raise, then I can just as easily not raise Yorkshires
or Durocs.
As I see
it, the hardest part of this program will be keeping an accurate inventory
of how many hogs I don't raise. If'n I can get $1,000 for not raising
50 hogs, will I get $2,000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate
on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 'not-raised'
hogs, which will give me $80,000 income the first year.
(Then
I can buy one of them dang fool airy-plane contraptions.)
Now they's
done be another thing about these hogs what I's not going to raise.
Them dang
fool non-animals will not eat about 100,000 bushels of corn, wheat and
maize.
Now, some
of my neighbors already done be getting paid for not growing corn, wheat
and maize. It seems to me that if'n I's don't raise no hogs, I should
also get paid for not raising wheat, maize and corn - - - - to not
feed them 4,000 hogs I am not going to raise.
Right?
I's wants
to get started not feeding them hogs as soon as possible, as this seems
to be a good time of the year to not raise hogs and not grow the feed
grains for them.
I am also
considering the 'not-milking-cows' business, so please send me any information
on that also. In view of these here circumstances - - where I's not
raising hogs and not growing feed for them - - I's thinks that the
government hasta consider me totally unemployed. That way, I's can file
for unemployment and food stamps as well.
Be assured
that you will have my vote in the coming election.
Patriotically
yours,
Cleve
Ennis
PS: Would
you please notify me when you plan to distribute some more of that free
cheese? /...next
joke
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