Don’t trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn’t die.
     — Men’s restroom, Murphy’s, Champaign, IL

Beauty is only a light switch away.
     — Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, North Carolina.

I’ve decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.
     — Houghton Library, Harvard University, Cambridge, Massachusetts.

If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let’s all get wasted together and have the time of our lives.
     — Armand’s Pizza, Washington, D.C.

If Bush were captain of the Titanic, he’d say we were stopping for ice.
     — Smoky Joe’s, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.

Remember, it’s not, “How high are you?” it’s “Hi, how are you?”
     — Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia.

God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?
     — The Irish Times, Washington, D.C.

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.
     — Men’s Room, Linda’s Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, North Carolina.

To do is to be. — Descartes
To be is to do. — Voltaire
Do be do be do. — Frank Sinatra
     — Men’s restroom, Greasewood Flats, Scottsdale, Arizona.

At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
     — Bentley’s House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, Arizona

It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
     — Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, Arizona.

God is dead. — Nietzsche
Nietzsche is dead. — God
     — The Tombs Restaurant, Washington, D.C.

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
     — Revolution Books, New York, New York

A Woman’s Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you’re going to have trouble with it.
     — Women’s restroom, Dick’s Last Resort, Dallas, Texas.

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!

Express Lane: Five beers or less
     — Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic’s, Phoenix, AZ.

You’re too good for him.
     — Sign over mirror in Women’s restroom, Ed Debevic’s, Beverly Hills, CA.

No wonder you always go home alone.
     — Sign over mirror in Men’s restroom, Ed Debevic’s, Beverly Hills, CA.

What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands.
     — Men’s restroom, Lynagh’s, Lexington, Kentucky./...next joke